WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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