i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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