I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
