i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
