Her vagina should come with caution tape.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
