Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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