While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
