I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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