Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
