I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
