it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
