just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
