those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
