my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
