Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
