Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
