Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
