i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I would fuck him just for his dog
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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