I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
