My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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