I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
