Where are you?
In a non slutty way
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
