I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
