Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
