Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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