My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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