how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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