I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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