Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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