Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
