got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
