guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I believe in your delicious
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
