They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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