Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
