so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
