My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
