I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
