my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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