Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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