My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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