my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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