He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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