Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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