They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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