there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
