i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
