i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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