thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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