found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
