Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
