Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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