I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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