I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
